


How can i live

by BlueFlameBird



Category: Batman: Arkham - All Media Types, Nightwing (Comics), Under the Red Hood
Genre: And angst, Kinda?, M/M, and of tim/babs, but comfort and happy ending?, mentions of Bruce Wayne - Freeform, warnings for mentions of torture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-27
Updated: 2016-10-27
Packaged: 2018-08-27 06:54:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,934
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8391592
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlueFlameBird/pseuds/BlueFlameBird
Summary: nightwing is kidnapped by the arkham knight during his reign. However, coming face to face with the knight himself brings back memories and feelings he thought were dead.





	

**Author's Note:**

> my first ever jaydick smut! ie had this in my head for a long long time, and so i finally wrote it! i suck at smut so forgive me. Jasons life honestly sucks in this verse so theres angst.

Dick groggily blinked as he woke up, head pounding, body stiff and sore. He knew right away something wasn’t right. As he became conscious and his brain started turning gears, he realized he was restrained to a chair, arms tied behind him tightly; legs strapped to the chair, his escrima sticks missing. He was still in uniform, and his mask was still on, thank God. His chair was pressed back to a corner of a wall, giving him no leverage to push off of anything.

Taking a deep breath, he calmed himself before he could even think to panic.

Ok Dick, what happened last?

He was investigating the whole Penguin’s shipment thing for Bruce when he was forwarded the video of Babs shooting herself from an unknown source. As he was distracted, he was taken out by the Arkham Knight and his men.

It looks like they brought him here for the same reason they kidnapped Babs. To torture Bruce. Were they going to douse him with fear gas too? Make him see his greatest fears before having him off himself?

His heart clenched at the thought. Barbara, strong, dependable Barbara. She went through so much, she didn’t deserve this.

“Dick?”

Dick’s head snapped up, and he felt relief wash over him. Across from him, strapped to her own wheelchair and pressed against the opposite corner, was Barbara Gordon, dirty and more annoyed than scared, but _alive._

“Babs? You’re…alive?” Dick questioned, wanting her to be real, knowing she was real. Jason’s face flashed in his mind and he pushed it back. He would never lose another, not if he could help it.

“Of course I am, why wouldn’t I be?” She demanded and Dick sighed.

“They sent Bruce a video of you. Doused you in fear toxin and then you shot yourself. I saw it too, was watching it when I got ambushed and brought here.”

Barbara nodded as she let the information digest. “I was doused with fear toxin, but only a small dose, enough so that they could record that. As you can see, I’m here, which means that video was-“

“Faked,” Dick finished for her, relieved. “But other than that, are you hurt?”

“No, for some reason the Arkham Knight gave his men specific orders not to hurt me, just to keep me contained. It’s the same with you. They took away your weapons but otherwise left you alone.”

“Good. I’m glad. Now I can try and get you out of here.” Dick said, already looking around for ways to escape. There was one door with a gated window, and the room they were in was small, no cameras. There was a table by the door, his escrima sticks, their communicators, and his various smoke bombs lying on it.

“Don’t bother, the Arkham Knight has three of his men outside of the door and others walk back and forth in a timely fashion. He knows who he’s dealing with. Escape is almost impossible; we have to wait for Bruce.”

“Bruce already has his hands full, let me handle this.” Dick stated stubbornly, already working on his binds. His hands were bounded tightly, and there was barely any room to even twist his wrist without it hurting. But he was determined.

“Dick, just stop, please, there’s something I need to tell you about the Arkham Knight, I think he’s-“

“He’s what?”

Dick and Barbara both tensed, turning to the door where the mechanized voice came from. Sure enough, the Arkham Knight walked in, his swagger dripping confidence. Something screamed in the back of Dick’s mind that said familiar. Something familiar about him. But with the helmet, the voice modifier, and the fact he was covered from head to toe in armor made it impossible to recognize anything.

“So, you’re the Arkham Knight huh? I don’t see what the big fuss is about, you don’t look so tough. Just like another cliché villain who thinks he can control Gotham.”

And Dick, with his big mouth, wasn’t able to stop the words from pouring out. But when the Knight’s attention snapped from Barbara to him, he felt both relieved and tense. Babs said he ordered his men not to hurt them, but that didn’t mean he himself wouldn’t. And if he managed to keep his attention on himself and not on Babs, then he could deal with it.

The Knight chuckled, the sound coming out chilling because of the voice modifier. He stalked up to Dick like a predator coming after his helpless pray, careful, calculating, deadly.

“Ah, Nightwing. You never knew when to keep that pretty little mouth of yours shut, did you? But that’s alright, that’s what made me like you. Even after what happened, I couldn’t find myself to hate you. The bat? Oh, I could go on for days about how much I despise him. But you? I could never find it in me.” The Knight roughly grabbed his jaw, pushing his head back so he was looking up at him and into the bright lenses. “But don’t think that is going to grant you any favor. You shouldn’t back talk to me when you’re at my mercy.”

Dick jerked his face out of the Knight’s hand, glaring up at him.

“And just what do you want with Batman? What has he ever done to you?”

Again, the Knight chuckled, circling him slowly. “It’s not what he has done, it’s what he didn’t. Let his Robin get taken by the Joker, tortured and killed. Isn’t that right?”

Dick felt his body jerk towards the Knight before he even registered his anger. His glare was heavy, his voice seething as he growled the words. “Don’t you dare! You don’t know shit about that. You have no right!”

“Don’t I? What makes you think you have any more of a right? You hated him.”

“The fuck do you know! I cared for him!”

“DON’T YOU DARE LIE TO ME!” The Knight thundered, slamming his fists on either side of Dick’s head. Dick glared right into those lenses, feeling the weight of the glare he was getting in return. “He replaced me. And you didn’t even bat a fucking eye.”

Realization hit him like a truck, forcing all of the air out of his chest.

“…Jason?” The question was silent, and Dick admitted he almost forgot Babs was there for a second.

The Arkham Knight, _Jason_ , stiffened, and slowly stood up. He turned his head in the same fashion, his voice silent. “It’s good to see you again, Barbara.”

“It all makes sense now. Jason what happened? We thought…the Joker killed you! We all mourned you!” Barbara asked, her eyes watering.

“He may as well have,” Jason growled, sounding so unlike himself. He turned towards the door, heading towards it, and suddenly Dick’s mind rejected the idea, screaming _no no no don’t let him leave._

“JASON! JASON WAIT PLEASE!” He screamed, pushing forward in his chair so hard his arms screamed in protest. But he didn’t care because he just didn’t want Jason to walk out of that door, didn’t want him to just _leave._ Not after all of this time.

Something in his voice must have reached him because Jason stopped, still stiff. He didn’t turn around, and Dick swallowed. “Come here, please, Jason. Please come here.”

With an audible sigh, he slowly turned around, walking towards Dick and stopping at a reasonable space. Dick took the moment to really look at him, trying to pair up the image of the scraggly teenager that tried so hard to fill his shoes, tried so hard to impress both him and Bruce to the full grown man in front of him.

After Jason left, he couldn’t stand to be in Gotham anymore, he had to get away from it, so he left to Bludhaven. He blamed Bruce, he blamed the Joker, but he also blamed himself, for losing the kid with the stars in his eyes and the heart too big for his own good.

He grew taller, that much was obvious. He also filled out, broad shoulders, muscled arms, and…his thighs. Dick swallowed, forcing his eyes back up to his helmet, back up to the lenses.

“Little wing-“

“Don’t-“ Jason cut him off sharply, looking away and taking a deep breath to steady himself. “Don’t call me that, that’s not who I am anymore.” He finished, quieter.

“Jason, you will always, _always_ , be my little wing,” Dick said, just as softly.

Jason was silent for a minute, before he turned to Barbara. With a sigh, he clicked his communicator, “Escort miss Gordon to her room. I want to talk to Nightwing alone, no disturbances. And if any of you hurt her, I will blow your fucking brains out.”

“We still love you, Jason, remember that,” Barbara said with finality. Jason didn’t say anything, didn’t even look at her, even when his men came and wheeled her out of the room. Dick didn’t miss the knowing and warning look Babs gave him before she was out of the door.

Silence engulfed the room as Dick watched Jason carefully, the other giving nothing away. Finally, he spoke silently.

“He replaced me. _You_ replaced me.”

“No, Tim went to him. I…Tim is a good kid, and I don’t want what happened to you to happen to him. When I lost you I…I nearly broke.” Dick shook the tears threatening to spill away. He remembered the day. The day Jason didn’t come home. He was angry, hurt. He blamed Bruce as well. And when he first saw Tim, he wanted to hate him. But the kid was just so desperate to be good, to fill in the _hurt_ that was there because of Jason it was hard to. And eventually he decided that he would protect Tim, make sure he never lost anyone _ever_ again.

“I was determined I never lose anyone ever again. I couldn’t bear it.”

Jason was silent for a while, and Dick decided it was his turn. “What happened?”

“He tortured me in an abandoned wing in Arkham. Over a year there, and every criminal Bruce locked away was just another criminal who beat the shit out of me.”

“Oh Jay…”

“But the Joker taught me something.” Jason spoke over him, staring at him. “Taught me Batman’s true colors. He doesn’t give a shit about us, about me. I was expendable. And now, now I’m going to kill him.”

“Jason he loves you!” Dick tried, but Jason just shook his head, chuckling.

“No, he doesn’t. He betrayed me, and now he has to pay. He didn’t love me.” Jason closed the space between them, tilting Dick’s head up gently with a thumb under his chin. “You maybe. You were always his favorite. Always so eager to please him. Bet he’s tearing apart Gotham trying to find his little Golden Boy. It’d be so much more easier to hate you if I didn’t love you so much. But I can’t hate you, never you.”

Dick swallowed. Even with the modifier he could hear the sincerity behind Jason’s voice. But why tell him this now? Not unless…

Unless he didn’t plan on seeing him again.

Dick’s entire body rejected that idea. He couldn’t just let Jason go, not now that he had him.

He suddenly had the overwhelming need to see him, to make sure those teal eyes were the same.

Swallowing, he asked softly. “Take it off. Please, Little Wing.”

Jason stiffened again. He was quiet for a while, and before Dick was able to open his mouth and plead again, he spoke quietly. “You won’t like what you see. I’m not the same.”

“I _need_ to see you, Jason. Please, just…just let me see you.”

Again, the vulnerability in his voice must have gotten to the younger robin because he carefully reached up to the release to his mask. It gave off a soft hiss before he slipped it off his face, placing it on the table. He kept his head down, but the scar on his cheek was clear, and Dick had to bite his cheek to keep from gasping. The branded J right on his face, the Joker really made sure he would never forget.

Dick tore his eyes away from the scar and studied his face. This was definitely Jason. His jaw was more defined, giving him a more mature look. Jason looked older than he thought Dick would in the year and a half, but Dick could barely blame him, not after what he would have had to endure at the hands of that madman.

The thought that the Joker did this to him, to _his Jason_ , sent bile up his throat, and for a minute, he was glad the madman was dead, and felt no guilt for such thoughts.

“Jay, my hands, please.”

Jason’s eyes snapped up, and yes, Dick could see that they were the same color. The look in them was more intense, more wary, but it was the same teal that Dick had grown to love.

“Let me…let me touch you, please Jason. I won’t do anything, I promise. I just…I need to, please little wing.”

The nickname seemed to do the trick, because Jason hesitantly leaned in and undid the rope that bound his hands together.

Slowly, Dick reached up and peeled off his own mask, figuring it was only fair. He felt Jason’s eyes roam his face but ignored them in favor of slowly brushing his thumb over the scar. Jason flinched away from the touch, and Dick waited until a bit of the tension left Jason’s shoulders before letting his thumb brush it again. This time Jason leaned into the touch, and Dick let himself caress Jason’s face, running his fingers gently over his lips, the scars, his cheeks. Memorizing, familiarizing, trying to imagine the story, but too scared to ask.

Hesitant hands gently caressed his face, so much different from the way he grabbed him at first. Dick let out a pleased sigh to encourage him, blue eyes flickering to those teal ones as he continued his exploration of the man Jason had become under the wing of the asylum.

Dick let his fingers run through Jason’s hair, it being as soft as he remembered it, and got a pleased grunt for his efforts.

“You’re still so beautiful, Jay.”

“I’m broken.”

Dick flinched at the voice, it was the same. The same one from back then, the same one from his dreams. With a chuckle, Dick pressed his forehead against Jason’s smiling at him.

“No, you’re strong. So amazing, Jason.”

Jason whimpered, shaking his head. Dick’s eyes flicked down to Jason’s lips and he tilted his head, stopping when they were a breath apart.

“If you don’t want this Jay-“

“You shouldn’t…”

“If you don’t want this Jay, then stop me. Otherwise I’m going to kiss you, ok Little Wing?”

“Dick…”

Dick suppressed the shudder that threatened to lick his spine from hearing his name come out so softly from Jason’s mouth.

“I want this. But if you don’t, I’ll stop, ok? I’ll stop.”

Jason whimpered again, but he didn’t stop him as Dick brushed their lips together gently. He waited a beat, and when Jason didn’t pull back, he pressed their lips together more firmly. Jason gave a half sob as he pressed back just as gently, as if he was afraid Dick would change his mind.

Dick pulled back, just slightly so that they were still breathing each other’s air. A moment passed before Jason tilted his head again. “More?”

Dick grinned, tangling his fingers in Jason’s hair and giving a soft tug, earning a pleased groan, “I can give you so much more than that, little wing.”

Jason whimpered again but it was lost as he pulled them into a kiss that was much different than the first. Kissing Jason was like being caught in a whirlwind, taking his breath away. He paid special attention to massaging their lips together, yanking Dick’s hair. Dick gasped and Jason took the opportunity to slip his tongue into his mouth, seeking out his own and gently massaging it.

Of course Dick was no prude, and gave as good as he was getting, clinging to Jason’s larger form as he worked on memorizing every inch of his mouth, his taste, his touch.

Jason groaned as he pulled back, their lips giving an audible smack. “Dick, I…I need more.”

Dick didn’t get a chance to respond as Jason sealed their mouths again, trailing kisses towards his neck and sucking on his pressure point. Dick gasped, trying to arch his back into Jason, but with both of their costumes on he couldn’t really feel anything.

There was a slicing sound and suddenly he was being lifted off of the chair. Dick wrapped his legs around Jason’s torso on instinct as the younger boy wonder led him to the table, placing his knife right by Dick’s escrima sticks and sitting Dick on the table.

Jason pulled away again, his eyes vulnerable as his hands gently caressed Dick’s sides. “Can I?”

Dick’s heart flipped as he realized what Jason was asking. “Fuck, yes Little Wing, please.”

Dick got to work on his security systems in his suit. Once they were all disengaged, Jason helped him peel out of it. Dick wasn’t surprised to see he was hard, not with how they were making out like horny teenagers. He was a bit surprised though when Jason leaned in and took him in his mouth, pushing all the way down to his happy trail.

Dick let out a surprised moan, what little sanity he had left asking just how Jason was able to deep throat him no problem. He wasn’t flaunting his size, but he knew his member wasn’t small, but Jason seemed to have no problem bobbing his head, carefully taking Dick apart with that skilled tongue of his.

And Dick, for lack of sex in the year Jason had been missing, felt his stomach already start to coil.

“Jay…Jason if you don’t stop I’ll come,” Dick panted, pulling at Jason’s hair. Jason just let out a moan and doubled his efforts, his tongue flicking on the underside of his cock and around the head once, twice, three time and Dick was gone, moaning Jason’s name as he spilled in his mouth.

Jason pulled back to the head of Dick’s cock, licking down every last drop of semen before pulling off with a wet pop.

Dick panted as he tried to get his bearings back, watching as Jason stood straight, shuffling a bit, unsure. Dick couldn’t help the loopy smile that spread across his face, reaching out for Jason. “Come here, Jay, let me take care of you.”

Before Jason could protest, he pressed their mouths together, tasting himself on Jason’s tongue and damn if that didn’t make him moan. Running his fingers over the Arkham Knight symbol on his chest, Dick pulled his lips back, leaning in to brush them against Jason’s ear as he spoke. “Take it off, Jay.”

Jason scrambled to comply, pressing all the releases of his armor and pulling it off with slight hesitation. Dick reached out, gently tracing his hands over Jason’s skin as it was exposed to him. He was covered in scars, some long, some short, some deep, some thin. And as Jason stripped down to nothing he gently traced them all, pressing kisses to any particular bad ones, wanting to know but too afraid to ask. For both Jason’s sake and his own.

“Crowbar.” Jason said so softly, Dick almost missed it. He sat back, searching Jason’s eyes as the other avoided his gaze. “It was probably his favorite thing to use on me.”

Dick said nothing, pressing their lips together gently in understanding and comfort. Dick let his fingers caress the scars for a moment more before he let his hands trail down Jason’s abs, over his hips, gently grabbing his cock. It was heavy and warm in his hand, just a bit thicker than Dick’s own. Then again everything about Jason now was bigger than him.

“Do you want to fuck me, Jason?”

Jason whimpered, and his hips gave an answering twitch. Dick chuckled as he gracefully leaped off of the table and dropped down to his knees. He knew it would sting like a bitch later, but right now he couldn’t care less.

“Dick you don’t have to-“ Jason’s complaint was cut off my a shaky moan as Dick took the head of his cock in his mouth. Granted, he had to take his time to get all of Jason down his throat, but eventually he did. Jason put a hand in his hair as an anchor, neither pushing nor pulling. Dick hummed around him and began bobbing his head slowly, relishing in the shaky soft moans he was pulling from Jason’s mouth.

Dick grabbed Jason’s free hand and pulled it behind him, pressing Jason’s fingers by his ass. Jason gave Dick a questioning look and Dick pushed back on Jason’s fingers as answer. Slowly, Jason pushed in one finger, and Dick gave off a soft noise. Jason’s hips twitched and he frowned, reaching towards the table. There was a tearing noise and then the finer was back, slick this time and easily slipping inside Dick’s hole.

Dick gave off a muffled moan, and Jason gave a soft thrust in his mouth, exhaling shakily. Dick shifted, spreading his legs a bit more and grabbing Jason’s hips. As Dick bobbed his head, Jason’s grunts grew into full moans, the finger in him turning into two, scissoring gently and curling.

Jason cursed silently, pulling his fingers out and Dick whined at the loss. “Dick…Dick get off I’m gonna-“

Dick ignored him, taking Jason down his full length as he shot his load down his throat. Jason moaned shakily, his hips twitching softly as he rode out his orgasm. Dick pulled off, swallowing and making a show of licking his lips, pleasantly surprised to see Jason was still hard.

Dick hoisted himself back up on the table as Jason caught his breath, noticing an open packet of lube. Dick smiled. Of course Jason wouldn’t want to hurt him. Jason leaned in and kissed Dick, moaning into his mouth as their flavors mingled.

When Jason pulled back, Dick led his hand back to his hole, spreading his legs for easier access. “Fuck me, Little Wing, just like this. I want to see you.”

The two fingers were back, and Dick let out a happy sigh, making sure to keep his body relaxed. That was until Jason curled his fingers and hit that special bundle of nerves, jumping up and letting out a startled moan. Jason froze but Dick grabbed his wrist to keep him from pulling back, his hips pushing forward to seek out that feeling again. “There, right there. Again.”

Jason swallowed but he complied, pressing his fingers against Dick’s prostate again and Dick cried out, back arching into Jason’s chest, hips rocking forward into his fingers. When Jason added the third finger Dick hissed but Jason didn’t stop, pressing against the spot as he stretched him out.

Jason eventually pulled his fingers out and Dick whined, clinging to Jason. Jason gave him a quick peck as he reached over to the side, fumbling with something before the sound of something tearing, then a slick sound was heard.

Jason pressed up against Dick’s entrance and Dick forced himself to stay relaxed. Jason slowly slid in, inching forward, pulling out, and then inching a bit more over and over until he was fully inside Dick, both of them moaning. Dick took a second to appreciate the feeling pf being so full, Jason was panting above him, grip on the table white knuckled as he struggled to control himself and not blow his load right there and then.

After a moment, Dick wrapped his legs around Jason, pulling him close and kissing him. Jason took this as a sign to start moving, and started out a slow, controlled pace, still getting used to the feeling. Dick’s sighs and little pants were tells that there were no pain, so Jason adjusted the way he was standing, grabbing on to Dick’s thighs.

On the thrust in, Dick moaned, clenching around him and Jason knew he found his prostate again. Jason pressed a quick kiss to Dick’s mouth before he started up a brutal rhythm, making sure to angle his hips to hit that spot on every thrust. Dick whined, scratching at Jason’s back as he worked his hips to Jason’s rhythm.

It wasn’t until Dick was openly moaning, writhing beneath him that he felt the coil in his stomach start to grow. Jason grabbed Dick’s member, massaging the head with his thumb, using the precum to slicken his hand. It barely took three pumps before Dick was crying out Jason’s name and cuming between them. Jason wasn’t far behind, Dick’s blissed out face driving him over the edge, biting into Dick’s shoulder as he came.

They both panted in tandem, coming down from the high. Jason eventually shifted so he could pull out, and Dick noticed him take off the condom and toss it to a corner of the room. Dick smiled, of course Jason was safe about this to the very end.

“Jay?”

It was silent, hesitant, and Jason studied him for a moment before turning away.

“I have to go after him, Dick. He needs…he needs to know how much I hurt.”

“Don’t kill him, please, Jason.” Dick pleaded, bringing his hands up to caress Jason’s face. Jason flinched away, stepping back and began the process of putting his armor back on.

Dick frowned, but began slipping into his own costume, leaving the mask for last.

“Jay-“

“I can’t Dick…” Jason cut him off, turning his back towards him.

“Come home Little Wing. Come with me, we can stop Scarecrow together. Please, Jason.” Dick all but begged, wanting to close the distance between them but afraid Jason would lash out.

Jason was quiet a moment, before he slipped the mask back on, closing the hood, the lenses lighting up and the mechanized voice activating.

“I’m sorry.”

Dick didn’t get a chance to ask for what before Jason shot him with a tranquilizer, walking out of the door without looking back.

As Dick lost consciousness, he watched with hazy vision as Jason left, wishing he could just tell him how much he loved him.

 

* * *

 

 

It was after the Knightfall Protocol was said and done that Dick saw him again, perched on the clock tower, sitting cross-legged at the edge. Babs had called him, told him he had some unfinished business above her that she felt he would like to resolve.

Dick landed silently behind him, but he could tell with the way Jason’s shoulders tensed minutely then relaxed that Jason was well aware he was there.

Dick was glad to see Jason ditched the Arkham Knight armor, instead in his Kevlar, a biker jacket over it and a red bat symbol painted on the back. The hood he was wearing was a full deep red, no lenses, the visor up so he could see the world with his own eyes.

After a moment of silence, Jason spoke, “So it turns out the Akrham Knight was full of shit. When it came down to it, he couldn’t kill the bat. Even helped him escape Scarecrow.”

“I always knew the Arkham Knight wanted to do more good than anything,” Dick answered easily, coming over and sitting next to him, removing his own mask so they were on equal ground.

“I can’t believe he really did it.” Jason said quietly, and Dick knew he was trying to hide the hurt in his voice.

“You really think he would just off himself like that?”

“For the mission? Yes.” Jason’s answer was automatic, and Dick couldn’t help the chuckle at that.

“Maybe, but Tim doesn’t seem to think he’s really gone. He got a tip that the Bat is still around. He’s investigating it now.” When Jason didn’t say anything, Dick sighed. “He isn’t that bad, little wing. He looks up to you, you know.”

“I know. Babs told me,” Jason answered quietly, finally turning to look at him. After a long silence, Jason spoke again. “I’m sorry.”

“You aren’t going to shoot me with a tranq again, are you?”

Jason rolled his eyes, but Dick didn’t miss the flinch he gave. Dick smiled at him reassuringly, slipping his hands with Jason’s and intertwining their fingers.

“It’s ok, Little Wing. All of that is over now. I have you back, I can deal with whatever else wants to come.”

Jason swallowed and nodded, saying nothing. Dick sighed and leaned in, pressing a gentle kiss to his lips. “I love you, Jason Todd. Of that, you can be certain.”

Jason swallowed, searching Dick’s eyes but finding nothing but sincerity.

“I…”

“You don’t need to say it, not until you feel ready.” Dick interrupted, standing up and putting his mask back on. He made a motion for Jason to take his hand, and pulled the younger up when he did. “Now come on, Barbs has been on my ass to get you down there so she can talk to you. She’s still pretty angry, but she just wants to see how you’re doing.”

Jason nodded, letting Dick lead him to the entrance of the clock tower. Maybe just maybe, with Dick, he can be happy again.


End file.
